Friday, June 29, 2007  1:40 AM
Sovereign hands
I think about my Christian faith as a journey where I'm shaped and moulded very differently from the person I make myself out to be. Over the years, I've discovered gifts and new things about myself I never thought I was, attributes that I'd never have associated with myself otherwise, but it has made me a stronger person on the whole.
The days at St James as a four-year-old girl were fun. I'd run up and down the pews staring at the multicoloured blur of stilletos, loafers and sneakers and then gaze at the majestic stain glass in awe. I could never sit still, I was always peering about looking for new things to do. God was a father figure, someone mightier than my own father, and biblical characters were simply colourful pictures jumping out from the children's Bible. Noah had his animals, Jonah was swallowed by the whale.
I grew up and moved to my grandfather's church, but I didn't like the Sunday school children as much as I thought I would have. I was teased and ridiculed alot, I was always put down, and I hated the boys with a vengeance. The only time I looked at them in the eye was with that defiant smile when I beat them in those memory verse quizzes.
Janis first saw the change in me after my baptism, and she told me frankly how she always tried to reach out to me, but there seemed to be that permanent barrier where I never would let my guard down. I started serving more in church and in Crusade, and alot of the time I struggled with saying no when it came to Christian commitments. I felt like I wasn't doing enough if I refused, and it seemed like the cardinal sin to do so.
Shirley told me that serving is reflected in my entire life. It's not the amount of work or effort I put into Crusade, or being in a committee or leading a discipleship group - but serving encompasses being diligent in my studies as well, honouring my parents and fulfilling the other things I hold with importance in my life. I never saw it in that light but she's right. I always feel guilty when I reject a Christian commitment, but slowly I've grown apart from that feeling. I've learnt to do what enables me to grow in my Christian faith, and the right amount of ministry depending on the capacity I'm able to handle. What's the point of taking up all these commitments and forget the sole purpose of why we're doing so ultimately?
Till today, I prefer to be the one in the back, the one that people never notice. The one arranging chairs, the one working the sound system or the one preparing the bread and the wine. But God never leads me in that direction. For some reason, I'm constantly thrown into leadership positions - being a spiritual multiplier, being a Sunday school teacher, leading prayers, giving speeches or being at the forefront of organising committees. I've always hated the idea, because I never feel good enough or 'holy' enough to be in that position. But the years of doing these things have brought me to that level of whole dependence where I know I'm nothing without God. I suppose if I were arranging chairs, I wouldn't have to pray so hard to make sure the chairs were all in place. But being up there in front of hundreds of people, or being entrusted five girls under your care for you to disciple and nurture - I wouldn't have done this all by myself. The experience has been humbling and I'm entirely committed to prayer before I do something which is out of my own ability.
God speaks true and rewards as He has promised. The semester where I was busiest with Crusade and church commitments, I saw how my grades proved to be the best. That night where I chose to attend Oasis when I had that 226 resume due the next day, I saw His faithfulness shine through when I finished the resume in time to catch the last bus home. I had already set aside money for the cab ride.
I struggle with spiritual gifting. I've always wondered where my talents lie, and that doesn't include trivial, superficial things like being recognised as a fashionista, or being able to identify the latest trends. I can't cook, sew or do math. Neither can I be a doctor, lawyer or investment banker. The world prides occupations like that, and talents like those are recognised. But I've realised that my gift has been staring at me straight in the face for the longest time, and only when I'm faced with the challenge of joining the discipleship committee do I think about the prospect thoroughly.
It's people, people-related things, discipling and being the centre of handling groups. Shirley thinks I'm a pivotal factor in the growth of my cell group, I've been told that I'm everyone's best friend, I seem to be able to work group dynamics and I genuinely enjoy being around people and seeing them happy. That also means I'm awfully affected by things that happen to others (which sometimes I wish I weren't), but I suppose I can't change my nature. I hated it in the past where I would be in the centre of everyone's problems, when everyone told me everything and I was supposed to handle it all for them. But I realised later there must be a reason why everyone tells me everything - and that's the part of me I need to fully maximise in terms of my serving as well.
Campus Mission 2007 in Korea beckons tomorrow, and I think it comes at no better timing where I'm wholeheartedly seeking direction in my life. Besides kimchi, beef and Won Bin lookalikes, I'm determined to come home knowing what I really want for myself.
3 comment(s). Your thoughts?
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