Sunday, June 03, 2007  12:12 AM
夕陽無限好
The last goodbyes are always painful, and moving on to something new never appeals to me. Even if moving on means reverting back to the life I lead before I left for Hong Kong. Suddenly the pressures from others surface, the responsibilities mount and the inner woes I've tucked away deep into the recesses of my heart threaten to spill once again. The last five months feels like a dream, and lying under the canopy of my own bed, it feels as if I never left - yet I did, and something in me has changed, like how all experiences are bound to lead to.
That feels so far away now, but that image of the teary hugs and the reluctant waves goodbye at the Hong Kong airport remains a clear and colourful still frame in my mind. The friends I left behind - Mel, Billy, Gary, Joseph - the nights of overnight KTV-ing, breakfasts at 6am and sleeping at 7am, waking up to Homey's tea set or another yumcha, shopping and late nights at the pingpong table or lying under the stars on the grass - that's the hardest part, to know that all this will cease to exist any longer.
Being in town tonight brought on that burst of reality and I felt like I was missing something. Everything was darker, quieter, less bustling, the coffeehouses were packed with loud groups of chatter and even shopping was lacklustre. I've been so used to the bright lights at Mongkok at midnight, the smell of street food wafting at every turn, crowded road crossings and empty Pacific Coffee Companies. Unconsciously, I felt a sudden dislike for the place - and Orchard Road is normally one of my favourite places in Singapore. But I put that down to being away for too long, and it will take some settling in.
I enjoy meeting up with family and friends I've missed, catching up, and this season's collection at River Island - but other than that, nothing really holds me here. I don't particularly like the country, and living abroad for almost half a year has made me realise that there is so much out there in the world that I want to see and experience. Living in Singapore narrows your mindset - you somehow think there's nothing more to life than a good education and an illustrious career. I firmly believe now in my personal freedom and other treats life has to offer, and that is something I don't quite get living here. Not when I get a phone calls monitoring my whereabouts and when a new school semester brings about fourteen weeks of no other life but work.
I can rant about the education system for hours. A degree in a mid-ranked university in the United States or the UK probably holds as much weight as a degree from any university in Singapore, and we're working about a hundred times harder. Tina, a British girl from one of my classes back in Hong Kong, was laughing about how relaxed she was during her undergraduate days as we walked back to school after lunch, and how working instead of studying took up most of her time. As much as I'd like my daughter to be part of the SCGS pride, I'd much rather her spend her teenage years somewhere else.
I loved being away from home so much because of the freedom I got, the ability to do anything I want whenever I want, and being accountable to myself for my own actions. I don't deny the horrifying laundry days, the times where I had to drag myself out of bed to fetch water for myself and the tedious process of admin duties which come along with solitary living, but it's only made me more independent and reliant on myself to pick up new skills. Washing machines are now my friends, and I understand which material dryers hate and immediately shrink.
I've cried alot in the last two weeks. I cried for two days straight when my dearest roomie left Hong Kong, and just walking down the corridor towards 203B started the waterworks. Then staring at her empty side made the tears fall even harder. French toasts, Macaroni and Cheese nights, TVB serial marathons, Argyle Centre, ICA and endless conversations before we fall asleep every night will now have a soft spot in my heart because of her. I cried at the departure gate two days ago, and cried nonstop as the plane took off and soared into the night sky.
The tears have stopped, but the ache and nostalgia still remains now. It's a new beginning, and I've finally dragged myself out of the abyss of laziness I had successfully gotten myself into and started writing again here. I will complete the events and post the pictures I've procrastinated about soon.
I miss the Hong Kong iced milk teas already, and I know the memories will keep recurring and I'll long for more of what I left behind, but I'll fondly remember them and move on.
Goodbye.
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