Saturday, May 14, 2005  10:52 AM
incoherent thoughts.
I feel that my life has come down to nothing, completely meaningless and suddenly I realise the complexity of humans. I'm completely, utterly devastated. Why is it that even the people I thought I knew turn out to be absolutely different beings later? Why am I the one listening to all these and suffering their pain, when my heart shatters into two at the things that they do? A single human being - Is it so hard to stand up for one's beliefs? Why do people repeatedly get dragged into a dark hole known as 'influence', and then do things that I could never imagine them to do, and somehow my lovely image of them is tainted. I'm not one to judge, of course, only our Heavenly Father judges us in Heaven, but I'm appalled, and the tears unsuspectingly roll down my cheeks as I think. And I can't seem to stop thinking either. I wish I weren't so bothered by the things that happen to people, why can't I just let go and not care? Maybe it's because I've set such high expectations of people, and how almost perfect I think they are and now that bubble has been burst, like a beautiful glass ball reduced to shards of glass. And somehow I know from the very beginning, I know it might happen, but I choose not to believe it until I hear the words coming out from the person's mouth. Why have they reduced themselves to this?
Why do I care so much? I hate being the one getting embroiled in other people's lives, and then have my emotions and feelings become a jumbled-up mess. Sometimes, I escape from reality. I pretend my life is as carefree as a newborn baby. But I can't escape, it just comes rushing back and I feel lousy. Is it because I'm too immature to understand the people that have disappointed me so? Because I've lacked the experience of going through what they've been through? Maybe, when I'm in that situation, who's to say I won't end up the same way?
I don't know what I want or expect out of the people I know best anymore. My heart just hurts, and I want to be somewhere away from all of this, where nothing can agitate or anger or sadden me any longer. My thoughts might have been incoherent to some, but still, they make perfect sense to me. Like how no one can always see what I see, or feel what I feel, and at times like these, you just feel like you're all alone.
0 comment(s). Your thoughts?
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